When kids act out—whether it’s through tantrums, refusing directions, or blurting out—it can feel frustrating and overwhelming. But here’s the truth: every behavior happens for a reason. Behind every challenging moment is a need the child is trying to meet, even if they can’t express it with words.
Behavior is communication. Instead of thinking, “Why are they acting this way?” try asking yourself, “What are they trying to tell me?” This small shift can make all the difference in uncovering the need behind the behavior and helping kids find better ways to meet those needs.
Most of the time, kids are either trying to avoid something unpleasant or gain something they value. Some kids act out to avoid tasks or expectations that feel too hard, boring, or overwhelming. Others might be reacting to sensory overload, like loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces. Sometimes, even too much attention or social pressure can feel overwhelming, and they act out to escape the situation.
On the other hand, some behaviors happen because a child wants to gain something, like attention, a favorite toy, or even sensory input. A child might shout out to get noticed, grab something because they want it right away, or seek movement or touch to feel calm and regulated. When we start to understand these patterns, it becomes easier to see past the behavior and focus on the underlying need. Want a quick summary of these key ideas? Download my free ‘Why Behavior Happens’ guide—it’s packed with examples and practical tips you can use right away.
It takes a little observation and reflection to uncover what’s driving a child’s behavior. Start by noticing when and where the behavior tends to happen. Does it show up during transitions, after school, or before meals? Patterns like these can offer important clues.
Think about what might have happened right before the behavior started. Was the child trying to avoid something? Or were they trying to gain something they needed? It can also help to pay attention to the early signals kids give before things escalate—like fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, or withdrawing. The more you observe, the clearer the picture becomes.
Once you understand what a child needs, you can guide them toward healthier ways of meeting that need. For example, if they’re overwhelmed by a task, try breaking it into smaller, more manageable steps. If they’re seeking attention, look for ways to praise positive behaviors, like sharing or waiting patiently.
When a child needs a break, offering a quiet space or sensory tools like fidget toys can make all the difference. If they’re frustrated because they want something right now, simple phrases like, “First clean up, then you can play,” can help them practice waiting while still feeling heard.
It’s not about fixing behavior overnight. It’s about teaching kids better ways to get what they need while building trust and connection.
Helping kids meet their needs in positive ways takes time. There will be setbacks—it’s part of the process. But every small step toward understanding their needs strengthens your bond and helps create a calmer, more supportive environment for everyone.
Every behavior tells a story. The question is: are you ready to listen?
Ready to take action? Grab your free ‘Why Behavior Happens’ quick guide for simple steps and strategies to help you respond with confidence
The Behavior Bestie
